Dear Best Friend,
I want to date someone. What’s the best way to go about finding someone to make out and hang out with on a regular basis? And more importantly, what’s the best way to keep them?
Yours,
Wants to Give the Milk Away For Free And Not Have It Go Bad
Dear Milk-pants,
Well, don’t go easy on me on my first day of advice giving, Milky. This is quite the question. Luckily, you’ve asked the all-knowing me, so you are one step closer to make-out heaven. I’ve always heard the best way to find someone is to let people know you are available. No, I don’t mean showing your tattas, although that can work, I mean tell your friends you are looking for a meaningful relationship. You might have a friend who knows someone who would be a good match.
Speaking of match…we are living in a society that no longer frowns on the internet solution for dating. I have many best friends who have found excellent companions on the interweb. However, as we all know, the internet dating scene has almost corroded into the worst sort of meat market. So many profiles, so little time to lie to them. Right?
Ugh, just writing this is making me depressed, so lets just skip to the keeping him part. Yes, I can do that, it’s my website!
So, you find a guy. He’s a friend of a friend who you met via the internet or at a glass blowing class for singles…whatever, you met him…and you are making out all over the place. Now, how do you keep him. You ready…drum roll please………
Be yourself.
It’s that easy. If that doesn’t work, do you really want to be making out with his dumb ass all over Manhattan? You want someone who thinks it’s cute when you misspell easy words in your emails to him, or thinks the way your hair never lays flat on the right side of your face is adorable. You don’t want to hold on to some guy who the only way you can keep him is not ask him personal questions about his family and who pushes you down in the car when you pass his office. Trust me on this one. He’s not worth it. In the meantime I like to make myself feel better by thinking of all the losers I know who are married right now…if they can find someone, you know you can. And if that doesn’t work, think about that couple who panhandles on the subway. The couple who both say they have multiple STDs, one working leg between them, and an IQ of 61. If they could find each other in this crazy world, you know your guy is out there. Just be patient, be open to new experiences, and be honest.
Dear My Best Friend Krista Overby,
My left ovary has been paining me lately. It sometimes makes me want to scream like a banshee. It used to hurt only when I was ovulating, but lately it’s been hurting all the time. What do you think it is?
Yours,
Having Lady Problems That Don’t Have Anything To Do With Boys
Dear HLPTDHATDWB,
First and Formost Ms. HLPTDHATDWB, get ye to a Doctor. Since everyone has different pain threshholds it’s hard for an outsider to know what level of pain would cause someone to scream like a banshee. If a man told me something was causing him to scream in pain I would probably ignore him until I saw blood (since we all know most men would scream when stubbing their little toe) but since this letter is coming from a lady, I am taking it more seriously.
I think anyone with a uterus has experienced the odd ovary pain. Some women can actually feel when their egg is being released. It’s usually about 5 minutes of slight discomfort, cramp-like feelings, coupled with the thought that sperm are off-limits for the near future. And if you ever want to freak out a male friend, share the news about the releasing egg and then suggestively ask him if he wants to get a drink with you. I guarantee his little legs won’t be able to move him away from you fast enough.
But back to you, Miss Ovary Pain, you seem to know the difference between the egg releasing discomfort and this new pain. I referenced some medical documentation and the pain could be anything from an ovarian cyst to something more serious. When you make an appointment with your OB/GYN they will probably ask you if you’ve had any irregular bleeding, pain while you are having sex, or thigh numbness and depending on some of your answers might schedule you for an ultrasound.
Hopefully, you are just experiencing the normal pain of being a woman. Pain that reminds us our clocks are ticking, because it’s not enough we get pressure from our mothers, we also have to have our bodies telling us we are one step closer to a life of lonely spinsterhood. Can you tell it’s my birthday this week?
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January 28th, 2007 at 5:41 pm
Hi,
I found your blog via google by accident and have to admit that youve a really interesting blog
Just saved your feed in my reader, have a nice day