Archive for November, 2006

On Thinking - And Other Useless Hobbies

Wednesday, November 29th, 2006

Dear BFF,

Lately I’ve been having some existential dilemmas about the direction my life is going -assuming it is in fact going in any direction at all and not, as I fear, wandering aimlessly along the edge of a cliff only to eventually plunge off into a scorpion-filled pit. What can I do to make myself start waking up in the morning feeling optimistic about the proceeding day, rather than succumbing to the usual apathy that greets me?

Yours,

Seeking A Really Truly Rich Existence

Dear Desperately Seeking Sartre,

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.  wha, huh, sorry…I must have drifted off there.  I don’t mean to make light of your question, it’s just….so….bor-ing.  Meaning of Life - Shmeaning of Life is what my imaginary Grandpa always said and I pretty much agree with him.  There isn’t a meaning to any of this and that’s why it’s up to you to make it as entertaining as possible while you are here. 

First things first…there are no scorpian pits in the United States.  Unless it’s of the metal variety or you are on Fear Factor.  You will never be minding your own business, walking down Broadway, when a pit filled with eight legged venomous invertebrates sucks you into their den.  Ok, well maybe if you live in Arizona you might find some scorpians…but how often do they congregate in a pit?  And why do you think your bony ass would be something they would want to chomp on?  Per-chaps, they would take a pass on you and suck up some little chubby baby…mmm, baby meat….where was I?  Oh yes, scorpians…not gonna happen…next.

Waking up apathy-less…have you considered drugs?  Wake and baking perhaps?  Or maybe a lovely pharmaceutical?  Or maybe you should just be happy you are alive, young, and healthy.  Judging from your email you seem generally intelligent and maybe even a bit humorous…I guess what I’m getting to is that you need to focus on the positive.  And the only way you can do that is by sheer force of willpower.  Just don’t allow your self to go down the dark road.  It’s hard and sometimes your little head is going to go there anyway, but if you try, just a little bit, hopefully it will get easier and easier every day that progresses. 

And if you want to know what works for me, I find that making fun of people is an excellent way to make myself feel better…also cookies, reality tv, a good book, sexin, and travel…especially traveling alone.  It’s empowering and makes for good stories later.  Also, don’t stay too long in a bad situation and try everything once.

I hope this helps…try not to think too much Mr./Ms. Thoughtfull-pants…sometimes you just have to be happy with existing. 

Mo Stinky Mo Problems

Thursday, November 16th, 2006

Dear Best Friend,

I have a date at a fancy asian restaurant and i want to wear a skirt with stockings, but customers are required to remove their shoes at the restaurant we’re going to. how can i ensure that i wont ruin dinner with my smelly feet?? stockings are the worst!

Signed,

Not gellin’ like magellan in Brooklyn

Dear Stinky,

Have you thought about washing your feet before putting on the stockings? Or better yet, wash your feet AND your stockings so everything is fresh when you go on your date? Something tells me, because you are focusing on your feet, you might just have abnormally stinky feets. Which is cool. It happens. Have you ever put baby powder on your tootsies before your socks, or stockings? That’s really good for cutting down on sweat, which causes the odor. Although, then you have the additional problem of getting the white powder everywhere. It would take some extra effort, but probably worth the time.

If you can’t do that, you could go the hipster avenue (you said you did live in Brooklyn) and wear those dance tights (otherwise known as leggings) instead of your stockings. Ugh, but all these suggestions are really taking the focus off the real issue, plus leggings are just stupid. Rejoice in the fact you have a date. You’ve got a date. That’s awesome. Whooo, dates. Good stuff. And, as I’ve said before you want someone to like you for you…and if you have stinky feet….it’s better he knows that now, rather than 3 months in when he walks in on you covertly fabreezing your smelly-ass feet and thinks you are fabreezing an entirely different area…which wouldn’t be very healthy…fabreeze is for fabrics…not body parts.

Job Shmob

Wednesday, November 15th, 2006

Hi Best Friend,

They say that knowing is half the battle, and I know I need to make a change, but I am having a hard time actually doing that. I have had the same job for almost six years, and I’ve totally outgrown it. It’s time for me to move on. But I am having trouble actually motivating myself to look for a new job — any ass-kicking tips on getting over the fear of the unknown and finding something bigger and better? Also, I haven’t gone on a job interview for years, and I’m pretty terrified of having to do it. What are your tips for a nervous interviewee-to-be?

Yours,

Stuck in a Rut

Dear Stucky,

Have you thought about becoming a really bad employee and forcing your employer to fire you, therefore taking the onus off you and putting it on your employer?  It’s just a thought because then you wouldn’t have to make any yucky decisions at all.  Yes?  No?  I’ve heard it’s worked in the past.

Ignore that comment above, it’s a bad idea.

I think I’m going to turn the tables on your for a moment and ask you this question, What are you getting out of staying at this job?   What is it that you are feeding off of in this situation, because no one in their right mind stays in a bad situation unless they are getting something out of it, even if it’s something a little twisted.  Do you crave stability more than advancement?  Does staying at this job allow you to take the focus off of other areas of your life?

Even if that was true in the past, I think the fact that you wrote me, shows you are ready to make some changes, like you said - knowing is half the battle - so it’s time to make a charge at the other half.  Get your resume together and start putting feelers out there.  Take baby steps.  Just because your resume is being sent out doesn’t mean you have to take another job.  Just make some movement in that direction.  Build up your speed gradually.  Think of it like dating an ugly guy.  At first you are repulsed by his giant head and hairy ass.  Then after awhile you are like, wait a minute, when I rub up against his butt it’s like petty a furry kitty and his giant head is sometimes good when need to find him in a crowd.  So you see…giant head…job….kitty…..resume….what was I saying?

Oh yeah, and about interviewing.  I’ve heard blue is the best color to wear in an interview.  Apparently it’s a more trustworthy color, whatever that means.  I’ve find no matter what color you wear you need to feel like you look really good.  It helps the confidence factor.  Once you feel like you look good enough to hire you need to talk the rest of yourself into feeling good enough to hire as well.  It always helps me if I write out a series of questions to ask the interviewer.  That way if I space I always have notes.  Plus, employers like people who are inquisitive.  Remember you are interviewing them too.  You hold the upper hand.  I’ve also read that people naturally like people more when they’ve been the one doing most of the talking (we are all, afterall, most interested in ourselves) so have questions ready to keep them talking. 

One last thing, I’ve been on the other side of the interview table many times and I have to tell you, it’s almost more nervewracking to be the interviewer, especially when you are new at it.  It’s really an art and I don’t think many people have much talent for it.  So, chill - don’t freak out and remember if you don’t get the job, there is always your ugly boyfriend with the big head to greet you at the door when you get home…or not.  Sometimes it’s best to be single and date hot guys. 

Advice From Your BFF

Monday, November 13th, 2006
Dear Best Friend,
I want to date someone.  What’s the best way to go about finding someone to make out and hang out with on a regular basis?  And more importantly, what’s the best way to keep them?
Yours,
Wants to Give the Milk Away For Free And Not Have It Go Bad
Dear Milk-pants,
Well, don’t go easy on me on my first day of advice giving, Milky.  This is quite the question.  Luckily, you’ve asked the all-knowing me, so you are one step closer to make-out heaven.  I’ve always heard the best way to find someone is to let people know you are available.  No, I don’t mean showing your tattas, although that can work, I mean tell your friends you are looking for a meaningful relationship.  You might have a friend who knows someone who would be a good match. 
Speaking of match…we are living in a society that no longer frowns on the internet solution for dating.  I have many best friends who have found excellent companions on the interweb.  However, as we all know, the internet dating scene has almost corroded into the worst sort of meat market.  So many profiles, so little time to lie to them.  Right? 
Ugh, just writing this is making me depressed, so lets just skip to the keeping him part.  Yes, I can do that, it’s my website!
So, you find a guy.  He’s a friend of a friend who you met via the internet or at a glass blowing class for singles…whatever, you met him…and you are making out all over the place.  Now, how do you keep him.  You ready…drum roll please………
Be yourself.
It’s that easy.  If that doesn’t work, do you really want to be making out with his dumb ass all over Manhattan?  You want someone who thinks it’s cute when you misspell easy words in your emails to him, or thinks the way your hair never lays flat on the right side of your face is adorable.  You don’t want to hold on to some guy who the only way you can keep him is not ask him personal questions about his family and who pushes you down in the car when you pass his office.  Trust me on this one.  He’s not worth it.  In the meantime I like to make myself feel better by thinking of all the losers I know who are married right now…if they can find someone, you know you can.  And if that doesn’t work, think about that couple who panhandles on the subway.  The couple who both say they have multiple STDs, one working leg between them, and an IQ of 61.  If they could find each other in this crazy world, you know your guy is out there.  Just be patient, be open to new experiences, and be honest. 
Dear My Best Friend Krista Overby,

My left ovary has been paining me lately.  It sometimes makes me want to scream like a banshee.  It used to hurt only when I was ovulating, but lately it’s been hurting all the time.  What do you think it is?

Yours,
Having Lady Problems That Don’t Have Anything To Do With Boys

Dear HLPTDHATDWB,  

First and Formost Ms. HLPTDHATDWB, get ye to a Doctor.  Since everyone has different pain threshholds it’s hard for an outsider to know what level of pain would cause someone to scream like a banshee.  If a man told me something was causing him to scream in pain I would probably ignore him until I saw blood (since we all know most men would scream when stubbing their little toe) but since this letter is coming from a lady, I am taking it more seriously. 

I think anyone with a uterus has experienced the odd ovary pain.  Some women can actually feel when their egg is being released.  It’s usually about 5 minutes of slight discomfort, cramp-like feelings, coupled with the thought that sperm are off-limits for the near future.  And if you ever want to freak out a male friend, share the news about the releasing egg and then suggestively ask him if he wants to get a drink with you.  I guarantee his little legs won’t be able to move him away from you fast enough.

But back to you, Miss Ovary Pain, you seem to know the difference between the egg releasing discomfort and this new pain.  I referenced some medical documentation and the pain could be anything from an ovarian cyst to something more serious.  When you make an appointment with your OB/GYN they will probably ask you if you’ve had any irregular bleeding, pain while you are having sex, or thigh numbness and depending on some of your answers might schedule you for an ultrasound. 

Hopefully, you are just experiencing the normal pain of being a woman.  Pain that reminds us our clocks are ticking, because it’s not enough we get pressure from our mothers, we also have to have our bodies telling us we are one step closer to a life of lonely spinsterhood.  Can you tell it’s my birthday this week? 

Don’t Trust Yourself On Important Issues

Sunday, November 12th, 2006

If there is one thing I know I’m good at it’s giving advice. Ask anyone who has the good graces to know me personally. I am like the wizened sage at the top of the mountain. Only, you are one lucky bastard and don’t even need to climb out of bed to ask me a question. Hell, you don’t even need to put pants on.

Over the years I’ve been asked numerous times to share my advice. Newspapers and magazines across this great nation of ours have been clamoring to get me to write an advice column for decades. I just never felt like it was the right time. However, I don’t feel like I can hold my talents to myself any longer. It’s just not fair. Therefore, I am offering, for a limited time, to answer your questions. Feel free to email me at askmybestfriend@gmail.com. Ask me about your relationships, business, love, sex, psychic, technical, parenting, medical, and/or pet and I will answer them all…and I vow not to just answer them, but to answer them correctly.

You will no longer have to trust your own judgement on important and maybe not so important issues in your life. You can put your trust in me…your best friend.

November

Saturday, November 11th, 2006

I smell.  My hair is greasy.  I’m wearing dirty clothes.  I’m drinking rum and coke.  My left foot itches.  My cat is sleeping.  I keep losing at chess.  I’m watching pants off dance off on tv.  I went to the park today.  I made fun of yuppies who had a blanket expressly for picnics in the park.  I saw a couple who were pulling a dog in a wagon because the dog was too old to walk on his own.  I wanted to be able to do that for my dog, who lives with my parents and is very very old and who I know would love a wagon ride through the park.  I’m doing yoga tomorrow morning.  I watched the Favor of Love reunion today and was let down becasuse no one was able to actually hit New York in the jaw and make her cry.  I watched two movies, The Chumscrubber and Friends With Money today.  I would recommend both of them - both were strangely similar.  I had eggz benedict for brunch.  I made a sandwich for dinner.  I have bananas going bad in my kitchen.  I need to do laundry.  I wish I was somewhere else right now.

Weekend O’Fun Times

Monday, November 6th, 2006

I’m starting to think I need to change banks.  This makes me cringe in the deepest part of me.  It reminds me of when me and a few old coworkers looked up corporate anthems.  They do exist.  Here, I’ll prove it.  ZDnet, who had at one point hosted all of the corporate anthems, has taken the page down, but you can still find KPMGs and PWCs anthems around the internet if you look. 

My weekend was fun.  Jenosh (This is the new name for the couple-hood of Silent Josh and Jennie, I figured they needed a cute combo name like TomKat or Benniffer)  If you can think of a better name than Jenosh, send it on over to me.  Anyway, I forced Jenosh to come with me to PA and attend the grand family tradition of - Halloween party always held a week or so after Halloween.  It’s fun and an excuse to eat good food and act silly.  Sister Celia had the brilliant idea of going as a set of Garden Gnomes and Jennie built on the idea by broadening the category to include all manner or lawn ornimentation.  So Jennie dressed as a pink flamingo and Josh came as a lawn jockey, complete with lantern found at a local PA WalMart. 

Joe, my cousin, dressed as Dee Dee Ramone, very convincingly I might add (the black pageboy wig made the rounds of everyone’s heads by the end of the night), his mom, dressed as a Dr (which included a complementary blood pressure check after dinner, Bonus!) and Liesel, Joe’s girlfriend, dressed as Miss Argentina from Beetlejuice.  Awesome.  I hope to have pictures up shortly.  (I’m having photo issues because my home computer broke and I have nothing to download my photos on anymore.)  And of course I had to make the traditional embarrassing liquor store run in my costime.  So bad.