KRISTA OVERBY BEST FRIEND

Dear BFF,

Lately I’ve been having some existential dilemmas about the direction my life is going -assuming it is in fact going in any direction at all and not, as I fear, wandering aimlessly along the edge of a cliff only to eventually plunge off into a scorpion-filled pit. What can I do to make myself start waking up in the morning feeling optimistic about the proceeding day, rather than succumbing to the usual apathy that greets me?

Yours,

Seeking A Really Truly Rich Existence

Dear Desperately Seeking Sartre,

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.  wha, huh, sorry…I must have drifted off there.  I don’t mean to make light of your question, it’s just….so….bor-ing.  Meaning of Life - Shmeaning of Life is what my imaginary Grandpa always said and I pretty much agree with him.  There isn’t a meaning to any of this and that’s why it’s up to you to make it as entertaining as possible while you are here. 

First things first…there are no scorpian pits in the United States.  Unless it’s of the metal variety or you are on Fear Factor.  You will never be minding your own business, walking down Broadway, when a pit filled with eight legged venomous invertebrates sucks you into their den.  Ok, well maybe if you live in Arizona you might find some scorpians…but how often do they congregate in a pit?  And why do you think your bony ass would be something they would want to chomp on?  Per-chaps, they would take a pass on you and suck up some little chubby baby…mmm, baby meat….where was I?  Oh yes, scorpians…not gonna happen…next.

Waking up apathy-less…have you considered drugs?  Wake and baking perhaps?  Or maybe a lovely pharmaceutical?  Or maybe you should just be happy you are alive, young, and healthy.  Judging from your email you seem generally intelligent and maybe even a bit humorous…I guess what I’m getting to is that you need to focus on the positive.  And the only way you can do that is by sheer force of willpower.  Just don’t allow your self to go down the dark road.  It’s hard and sometimes your little head is going to go there anyway, but if you try, just a little bit, hopefully it will get easier and easier every day that progresses. 

And if you want to know what works for me, I find that making fun of people is an excellent way to make myself feel better…also cookies, reality tv, a good book, sexin, and travel…especially traveling alone.  It’s empowering and makes for good stories later.  Also, don’t stay too long in a bad situation and try everything once.

I hope this helps…try not to think too much Mr./Ms. Thoughtfull-pants…sometimes you just have to be happy with existing. 

Dear Best Friend,

I have a date at a fancy asian restaurant and i want to wear a skirt with stockings, but customers are required to remove their shoes at the restaurant we’re going to. how can i ensure that i wont ruin dinner with my smelly feet?? stockings are the worst!

Signed,

Not gellin’ like magellan in Brooklyn

Dear Stinky,

Have you thought about washing your feet before putting on the stockings? Or better yet, wash your feet AND your stockings so everything is fresh when you go on your date? Something tells me, because you are focusing on your feet, you might just have abnormally stinky feets. Which is cool. It happens. Have you ever put baby powder on your tootsies before your socks, or stockings? That’s really good for cutting down on sweat, which causes the odor. Although, then you have the additional problem of getting the white powder everywhere. It would take some extra effort, but probably worth the time.

If you can’t do that, you could go the hipster avenue (you said you did live in Brooklyn) and wear those dance tights (otherwise known as leggings) instead of your stockings. Ugh, but all these suggestions are really taking the focus off the real issue, plus leggings are just stupid. Rejoice in the fact you have a date. You’ve got a date. That’s awesome. Whooo, dates. Good stuff. And, as I’ve said before you want someone to like you for you…and if you have stinky feet….it’s better he knows that now, rather than 3 months in when he walks in on you covertly fabreezing your smelly-ass feet and thinks you are fabreezing an entirely different area…which wouldn’t be very healthy…fabreeze is for fabrics…not body parts.

Hi Best Friend,

They say that knowing is half the battle, and I know I need to make a change, but I am having a hard time actually doing that. I have had the same job for almost six years, and I’ve totally outgrown it. It’s time for me to move on. But I am having trouble actually motivating myself to look for a new job — any ass-kicking tips on getting over the fear of the unknown and finding something bigger and better? Also, I haven’t gone on a job interview for years, and I’m pretty terrified of having to do it. What are your tips for a nervous interviewee-to-be?

Yours,

Stuck in a Rut

Dear Stucky,

Have you thought about becoming a really bad employee and forcing your employer to fire you, therefore taking the onus off you and putting it on your employer?  It’s just a thought because then you wouldn’t have to make any yucky decisions at all.  Yes?  No?  I’ve heard it’s worked in the past.

Ignore that comment above, it’s a bad idea.

I think I’m going to turn the tables on your for a moment and ask you this question, What are you getting out of staying at this job?   What is it that you are feeding off of in this situation, because no one in their right mind stays in a bad situation unless they are getting something out of it, even if it’s something a little twisted.  Do you crave stability more than advancement?  Does staying at this job allow you to take the focus off of other areas of your life?

Even if that was true in the past, I think the fact that you wrote me, shows you are ready to make some changes, like you said - knowing is half the battle - so it’s time to make a charge at the other half.  Get your resume together and start putting feelers out there.  Take baby steps.  Just because your resume is being sent out doesn’t mean you have to take another job.  Just make some movement in that direction.  Build up your speed gradually.  Think of it like dating an ugly guy.  At first you are repulsed by his giant head and hairy ass.  Then after awhile you are like, wait a minute, when I rub up against his butt it’s like petty a furry kitty and his giant head is sometimes good when need to find him in a crowd.  So you see…giant head…job….kitty…..resume….what was I saying?

Oh yeah, and about interviewing.  I’ve heard blue is the best color to wear in an interview.  Apparently it’s a more trustworthy color, whatever that means.  I’ve find no matter what color you wear you need to feel like you look really good.  It helps the confidence factor.  Once you feel like you look good enough to hire you need to talk the rest of yourself into feeling good enough to hire as well.  It always helps me if I write out a series of questions to ask the interviewer.  That way if I space I always have notes.  Plus, employers like people who are inquisitive.  Remember you are interviewing them too.  You hold the upper hand.  I’ve also read that people naturally like people more when they’ve been the one doing most of the talking (we are all, afterall, most interested in ourselves) so have questions ready to keep them talking. 

One last thing, I’ve been on the other side of the interview table many times and I have to tell you, it’s almost more nervewracking to be the interviewer, especially when you are new at it.  It’s really an art and I don’t think many people have much talent for it.  So, chill - don’t freak out and remember if you don’t get the job, there is always your ugly boyfriend with the big head to greet you at the door when you get home…or not.  Sometimes it’s best to be single and date hot guys.