Never Kiss a Kitten With a Wet Face
Never Touch Your Face After Chopping Japapeno Peppers
French Women Never Touch Their Face - Mother Says Edition
Your Face is Going to Stay That Way
Your Ugly and so is Your Face
Tne Pokey Little Puppy and His Friend Fat Face
I don’t know why, but something made me write this the other day. I got the first sentence in my head and couldn’t stop. Maybe I’ll get the pull to keep writing and build on this story. What do you think? Does it have legs or should it stop right here?
“Hitler had Parkinson’s and look at all of the things he was able to accomplish.”
My father opens his mouth to say something, thinks better of it, and just sighs in response.
“Hitler, Mom….seriously, Hitler?”
“Well, it’s true, Hitler had Parkinson’s and he was able to lead a country and go to war and…”
“Kill lots of Jews.” Sara said, who up to this point looked like she wasn’t paying attention to anything going on.
“I was only pointing out that Dad has a full life in front of him. That this doesn’t have to change any of his goals or decisions.”
“So the first thing that popped in your head was Hitler? What about Michael J Fox, or Mohammed Ali, or…”
“Will you two stop it.” My father says as he starts getting up from the table.
“Didn’t Franco and Mao have Parkinson’s too? What do you think it is about Parkinson’s that attracts tyrants? Not that I think you’re a tyrant Dad.”
“Thank you Claire” My father says weakly as he pads out of the room and into the living room to turn on the TV and get out of earshot of his family.
“Dad’s not a despot!” says Isabel
“Shut-up Isabel, I said that already, you just wanted to use despot in a sentence.”
“Did not, it’s just the first word that came to mind. I can’t help it if my vocabulary isn’t as limited as some peoples.” Isabel’s eyes narrow as she says that and looks at me.
“Everyone at the table has a fine vocabulary.” My mother says in order to calm the rising tension.”
“Wasn’t Hitler addicted to methamphetamines too?” said Isabel
“And he had syphilis.” said Sara
“What do you know about syphilis?” asks Mom
“As you can see Mom, you picked a real winner when you chose Hitler as your champion for Parkinson’s not affecting your way of life.”
“OK, let’s just drop the Hitler crap.”
I know it’s been forever, but I have an excuse. My life took a little left turn and I had to follow the life train for a bit. I wasn’t feeling too creative, but I am back on track again and feeling the need to emote. I had big ideas for this site. BIG and they still might happen, but for now I’m going to just treat it like a normal blog.
So, just to start I’m going to take a moment to express my feelings about a few issues I’ve had trouble with recently. The first being small people who use giant umbrellas. Am I the only person that feels the size of your umbrella should be in direct proportion to your own body size? Lately there seems to be a little person/giant umbrella society in NYC and I’m pissed. Now, I know I do have some negative feelings toward the mini people of the world. I was blessed with a nice height and come from a family of tall people. I never had to search for my 6′4 Dad in a crowd, I just stood on my toes and looked for the tallest guy in the room. So I know I am lucky to be tall and I don’t want all the mini people of the world to die a horrible death, I just want them to use umbrellas that aren’t bigger than a beach umbrella.
Little people (those of you under 5′3) please do not buy or agree to use an umbrella that is wider than the width of your height. First, you don’t need that much cover. You are small! Second, you can’t handle it. If you have to use two hands to hold up your umbrella, it’s too big. And Third, You are short, that means the umbrella will hit normal to large sized people below their chest. And we get hit from your umbrella fall out. Also, most people will lift their umbrellas over people to let them pass on the sidewalk and because you are short you don’t have the wingspan to do that, you need to make up for that and use smaller umbrella that doesn’t take up too much room. Just like you, small person.
In summary, small person, don’t buy a golf umbrella to sheild yourself from the cloud droplets because it pisses me off. Here are some nice alternatives - Perhaps a nice dome,or a lovely child’s duck umbrella (if you are the size of a child, no harm using things designed for them), perhaps you could attach a nice pet umbrella to your jacket (hands free!) Do not use this…this is not for sidewalks…do not use this either, this is for doormen who need to cover multiple, average sized people or…me (a person over 5′8).
OK, so I wanted to have some great introduction first entry on this brand new blog, but I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to share with you the answers the top five Miss Teen USA contestants gave during the pagent this evening. Thank you Liz for giving me the idea as we kept calling each other back and forth and share just how incredibly dumb these girls are.
Miss Teen USA 2006
Top Five
VERBATIM
Miss North Dakota
Q - You were the local hero at the public pool? Tell us about that…
A - I actually saved a young boy from drowning and he was only 10 years old and he was swimming in the deep end and and he had dropped some goggles and he had lost some breath and he had gone under and I went in and I jumped in and I jumped after him and I got him and I he was and I was about to do CPR on him he actually you know uh got his breath and spat out the water he was just bawling and bawling and it was such an emotional and physical experience, it was great, saving a person’s life is AWESOME.
Miss Georgia
Q. You went on a caving trip? Tell us about that…
A. Um actually I went on a caving trip with a bunch of ….
Ahhh, freak out. My DVR changes channels and loses my rewound Miss USA Q&A. Suck suck sucky suck. This would have been a great post, alas. I will have to wait until next year. Something tells me the contestants won’t get any smarter so I’ll still have some good material.